Planet Mika.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009
11:26 AM, St. Paul Tech Lab

So. I guess not much had happened since my last update. Just, y'know. A trip to the mall, and a couple of...interesting text messages.

My friend Lilly, who transferred to GW, started dating this guy, Mariano, earlier this year. She used my phone once or twice to text him, so I saved his number. Little did I know he did the same thing with mine. He sent me a few messages last week, telling me how unsure he was of his relationship with Lilly. He graduated in May, so it wasn't like he could see her in school. He admitted to never having asked her for her house number, and she wasn't answering to his texts. I told him I'd do what I could to help, and thought it was just going to end at that.

He kept texting me, though, making small talk. I figured he must be worth the time if Lilly dated him, so I went along with it. He told me didn't like blowjobs or handjobs, he had graduated from high school and wasn't in college, and that he wore prosthetics and had only seven fingers. I hear the prosthetics thing from Lilly already, so it didn't come as a surprise to me, and we kept talking.

Sooner than I expected he started talking about his kinky side, and what he wanted to do to me. And come on, this is ME we're talking about. Obviously, I went along with it. So, on Sunday, night, we had a "good" time texting.

On Monday morning, he texted me in class, telling me how much he "wanted" me. I was pretty pissed off, considering it was so early, I was tired from texting him all night the night before, and I just wanted my day to end. I should have known from the beginning, but suspicions only arose on Monday.

I told Marlo about it on lunch, and she told him off through texting. Maria sent a message or two as well, I think.

I'm trying not to make a a horribly big deal about, so I'm just going to make this fast, as there are more important things I want to type about. When I got home last night, I told him that I felt he was using me. He kept trying to convince me otherwise, but he finally told me he gave up. So, that's the end of that, I guess.

ANYWAY!

Eep! I think it was like, 15 minutes ago that Rush came over to talk to me! He kind of asked me from across the room to ask me to borrow headphones, and I told him no. I took mine out of my bag, though, 'cause I was going to use them for myself. Then he came over to my computer, and he was like, "Do you know anybody I can borrow headphones from?" I kept telling no...then he was like, playing with my hairtie on my wrist. Teehee!

See? Every little conversation we have, I have to detail it. Argh.

Ahem. ANYWAY!!
I was at the mall this weekend (Duh, I'm always at the mall) and I met up with Andrew and those guys (I always do that, too...). I hung with them until like, 1030 that night, when Doug's mom finally came to pick us up.

I never realized, though, just how attractive Andrew is. I mean, I've realized it, sure. He's pretty hot. But I never saw how...nice he was. What a good boyfriend he'd be. We were sitting there in front of Payless, and I was sort of cuddling Andrew, when these girls and a guy walked out from the mall. It was Nicole LG. I knew her from school, of course. She's a senior, and kind of a super girl. She's in my drama class as well as Creative Ministry (She's directing a skit as I type this, actually) AND she's an honors student. She's also cousins with Andrew. So when I saw her, I sort of cuddled Andrew a little more. I wanted her to see that I was close with him, that I wasn't a total loser, just a loser at school.

So, she came, we started talking to her a little, Braulio was a little sad she didn't remember him from middle school. Then she was on her way, and I started giggling a little, so I looked down at Andrew and he was just kinda looking back up at me. And...I don't know. In that moment it just kinda felt like we WERE going out, that there was a spark there.

In the beginning of class, Nicole was even like, "Who are you dating? Who was that guy cuddling you?!" When I said it was Andrew, she was like, "Ohmigosh! That's my cousin; I grew up with that guy and his brothers! You're dating him?"

As delighted as I was to hear that she thought we were dating, I couldn't exactly lie. So I was like, "We're not...'dating.'" Yes, I did air quotes. xD But yeah, I don't what impression she got from it, but she clearly doesn't care about it anymore. So hopefully she doesn't tell her family that we're dating or something.

It's okay. Me and Andrew, not dating? We can fix that. ;D

No, just kidding. Guess I'm just getting in a better mood, because of Rush talking to me, and because of the whole Andrew thing.

I'm starting to get really bipolar again, though, because the skit that Nicole is currently directing it the "Everything" skit by Lifehouse. The one that I so desperately wanted to be a part of, but I'm not involved in at all. Typecasting is so overrated, I don't even know how it came to Marlo getting the lead. Typecasting, peh.

So. On top of the Mariano thing, the Rush thing, the Andrew thing, I now have some...

....some...

Damn. What's a good way to say it? I guess just...

...some things to get me down. Gosh, and that's just the GUY stuff. There's still some school stuff. Some Kellen stuff.

I DO have my birthday party to look forward too, though. Since Manny's getting his t-shirt printer soon, we're going to have some personalized shirts. I didn't want to get Kellen one; it was just supposed to be for special guests. But Manny thought it'd be a good idea to get Kellen one, so now I'm stuck getting her a t-shirt. What if she gets a big head? What if she thinks she's special, just 'cause she gets a shirt? Her ego is going to make an epic incline...

And Julien and Bri might be there. I swear, if the same thing happens at my party as Doug's Halloween party...I will scream, I will yell, and you bet your ass I'm going to throw a fit. I couldn't really do much at the Halloween party since it wasn't my party. But this is my BIRTHDAY. MY special day, fuck the rest, as Paula would say. She causes any of her stupid middle school drama, she's gonna have to leave. I don't want to have to deal with her making a scene and stealing the spotlight. I'm not usually an attention whore, hell, I'm never an attention whore. But I'll be damned if SHE gets more attention than me on my birthday. It seems like that's what she tried to do last year. She wore a DRESS. A DRESS, to a backyard birthday party. I don't even think I wore a dress. I mean, yeah, I did, but I was wearing jeans. She WASN'T. And she was going around the whole night sitting on people's laps and squealing and probably trying to flirt with my brother.

Whatever. She's a bitch. Which gives me full permission to slap her if she brings or causes any of her stupid drama to my birthday.

Doug just laughed at that. I guess he's reading over my shoulder. =0

That's my cue to go, I've blogged enough. Have an interesting day, guys. =D

Sayonara, strangers. -*
1211 PM

Tuesday, November 18, 2009
11:35 AM St. Paula Tech Lab

It seems as if I only update when I'm in school.
Well, there's really not much I can do here anyway. Avoiding LJ at home ensures that I'll have somewhere to go during school.

There HAS been a lot on my mind, aside from the usual stuff.

Guy-wise, I'm very confused. I'm still kind of hooked on Rush. DEFINITELY hooked on Rush. But my ex-boyfriend, John, has come back into my life, as just a friend. From what he tells me, he's interested in me. First thought in my mind?

"Not again."

Not only am I not interested in hm romantically, I don't really want to get myself into a relationship with him for a third time. He's too much of a swinger; he can't just commit to one girl. We've had a few phone conversations, and he has a nasty habit of flattering me and saying he'll spoil me, with Blackberrys and car rides, even though I think he and I both know he's never going to do that. If anything, I spoiled HIM the first time we dated.

Though I know for sure I don't have those romantic feelings for him, I still flirt and sweet talk when he talks to me. Call me a slut or whatever, but I'm honestly just trying to get lucky. I don't want to be committed to him at all, but I wouldn't mind having him around for "emergencies." It's because of what he did the first time that I feel this way about him; I hear so many things, and I don't know what to believe. I remember hearing he was just using me because I had money and he didn't. Someone else told me that he was seen kissing another girl while he was at school, and it was the same time he was going out with me. And of course, I have my own suspicions.

With Rush...things haven't changed all that much. We talk sometimes, just small talk, casual conversation. Things will obviously never be the same, but I think we're getting closer and closer. Because of my stupid ignorance, though, we're not really getting anywhere. I haven't hugged him in months, and sometimes when I see him, I just...look away. I wish I could find the courage to start a conversation, because I know damn well that he is not going to do anything about it. I really don't want him to think strangely of me; I'm pretty sure he already thinks I'm a freak, and I don't need him to think worse of me.

Then there's, y'know. Just..."those" guys. The ones who I don't know, but am definitely checking out. I hung out with Aljon on Saturday, and he is beginning to catch my eye. I guess he's more than just "that" guy at this point, but he's not really showing interest in me. There's Gabe from Human Anatomy, Doug's evil twin. He thinks I'm a freak, though. Kenneth told him that I'm crushing on him, even though I told everyone I just thought he was cute. So, I guess he's a lost cause.

Aside from the guy problems. I've had a sense of paranoia lingering around for a few weeks. Not last week, but the week before, I had a bad allergic reaction at the mall, and I had to go to the emergency room. It happened before, in mid-February, but it wasn't as bad. After comparing the two situations, my mom and I are pretty sure we know what it is - a combination of something I ate with exercise. I also came down with strep throat, so I stayed home from school for most of last week. Thankfully, I didn't miss much, so I'm counting God's blessings there. I'm still a little freaked out to eat anything outside of my house, and I don't want to move around much. I was going to start running again, because my ankle's healing up, but now my old worries have just been replaced.

I've also been thinking a lot about Creative Ministry at school. I feel kind of useless, considering all I do is sit around and update my LiveJournal. I wish I could be more involved, but I don't have the talents OR the energy. Mr. Sanchez just told us today that if it seems as if we're not doing much in the class, we'll be pulled out during second semester. I love Creative Ministry, and I'm just going over a bump in the road. I pray that God will give me energy back, because this is something I don't want to give up. I'm planning on maybe e-mailing Mr. Sanchez today, apologizing if it seems like I'm not involved, then explaining my situation.

That's all my major troubles, I guess. Of course, there are the little things; arguments with my brother, tests, and insane irritability. I've been struggling with EVERYTHING, even the little things. I guess I would like a little less stress, but I'm so used to dealing with bad things. It'd be good if things got better, of course, but I don't know how long it's going to be until that happens. For now, I'll try my hardest to deal with things as best as I can, and pray that it teaches me to better control my life in the future.

Sayonara, stragners. -*

1206 PM

Wednesday, November 4, 2009
12:10 PM St. Paul Tech Lab

So, I know I never finished my last story. But I can't remember exactly where I left off. And I've got a lot on my mind right now. It's not like anybody reads this but me, anyway, so does it matter if I finish it right away?

Anyway.

So, long story short, Rush and I had kind of a falling through at the We The Kings concert, and we spent weeks not really talking to each other. It was all him, though. I mean, sure, I could have given in and talked to him first, but what use would that have been? Would he have REALLY talked to me? I didn't think so, so I decided to not take my chances.

I wrote him a song a few weeks ago, using names of a few girls that were involved in his life. I uploaded the song to my MySpace music page, and use my mane profile to advertise. I included a link to my music page, and I guess Rush opened the bulletin.

I read his message yesterday where he said something like, "It's scary how you know so much about me. But there's that one line...I meant that I love you. I don't lie about that. Never."

Naturally, I was sort of taken aback. I told Paula about it, and she even said "Whoa! That's not Rush! That's like...Rush after you smack him in the face with a 'be nice and stop being a stupid bitch' hammer!" Regardless, I couldn't leave the message unreplied. I responded with "Well, I think it's scary how much people gossip around here. I heard so much about you and other girls in one night, and writing that song was the only way I could really let it out."

And the responded continued. A few minutes later (and yes, I WAS checking my MySpace Mail excessively), he responded with "No, it's okay. I guess the song just shows what a bitch I am to you. I'm sorry for that, by the way."

I sent back, "No, most of this is my fault. But it still means a lot that you apologized. And, just for the record, I'm sorry, too."

I guess he was getting fed of sending stupid sappy messages, so his last reply was, "Enough! I don't know about you, but I don't like remember things about the past that I regret. So just...TALK TO ME TOMORROW! I don't know if you noticed, but I prefer it when OTHER people talk to me first."

I left it at that and decided I'd just deal with it at school today. Now, the day is over half over, and I still haven't said much to him. He's only a few feet away right now, and I'm actually restraining myself from through a Tootsie Roll at his head.

And, goddamnit, Douglas just offered me a Tootsie Pop. xD

But still, I'm still sort of frazzled by him. I'm tired of letting him get to me, and I just want us to be friends again. I can't believe things happened so fast, and our friendship came and went in about 2 months.

I miss him a lot..

(DID YOU HEAR THAT RUSH? YOU'RE SITTING 5 FEET AWAY, AND I'M DYING TO TELL YOU THAT I MISS YOU. BUT YOU WON'T DARE COME NEAR ME.)
Come on. Come over here, you jerk. Come over here and tell me that you forgive me! Tell me that you want to be friends again!

Tell me that you still love me...

Wednesday, October 7, 2009
12:01 P.M. St. Paul Tech Lab

Things are getting worse. So bad, in fact, I've resorted to updating in my school computer lab.

It's obviously just the usual. The quarter is coming to an end, so naturally, I'm trying to make sure I've got all my assignments turned in. There's the boy problems, of course...but things are now at an extreme.

I should start with 2 weekends ago, September 26. The We The Kings and nevershoutnever concert, otherwise known as Rock in the Park. I promoted the show for GMI all through the month, but I myself did not plan on going. Tickets were pretty pricey, and I had better things to do with my money anyway.

I woke up on Saturday, but I still hadn't completely made up my mind. Just as I was pondering whether or not to go, I looked at the clock: 2 in the afternoon. The doors opened at one, the concert itself kicked off with local bands at 3. Oh, well. At least I could save money.

Just minutes after I woke up, the phone rang. Kellen and Katlyn were at the park already, waiting for me. After arguing for a good thirty minutes, I finally agreed to go. My mom gave me a little extra money to top what I had for the at-the-door ticket price ($30! Jeez...), I changed my clothes, and away I went.

There was no line at the entrance at all, and the girls had bought my ticket already. So I gave them my money, and went through the gates.

I saw tons of people I knew, including Rush. I said hello to everyone first, then settled down with Jack, Kellen, Katlyn, and Paula. The show started a little later then expected, with BigBadWolf. The had a great set, but because they were opening, not many people were dancing.

Mochang came on, and people started getting more into it. Even kids who never heard of them before were belting out the lyrics for their songs. Jayton, of course, only fed us a simple line or two, but it was good enough for us to enjoy ourselves.

When Freedom Fries came on, everyone was amped up. A circle pit started in the middle, and there wasn't a time when skanking WASN'T going on.

Unfortunately for me, some kids were ignorant enough to stand around the edges of the circle, instead of leaving a little extra room for people to jump out when they got tired. Also unfortunately for me, there was a group of drunk white guys. One was tossed out of the gates during Mochang because he was moshing, but we voted to bring him back in, thinking he learned his lesson. Jayton warned us not to mosh or splash water...however, hardcore dancing was fine, as long as nobody got hurt.

I guess there was SOMEONE *cough*drunk white guy*cough* who didn't heed Jayton's warning. I can't put my finger on the exact song, but it was almost halfway through the Freedom Fries set when it happened. I was having a great time skanking and dancing, but I was getting pretty tired. After a few rounds in the circle, I decided to run out. I saw Nikki and Kayla, and decided it would be good stop there.

As I was jumping out, somebody pushed me. My right foot hit a hill of cement covering the sewage. It turned inward at my ankle, and I crashed into Nikki. They yelped in surprise, and asked if I was okay. I was just about to laugh and say I was fine, when I felt a sharp pain in my ankle, and my vision got blurry. "No," I said simply. "Help me get to the grass."

Aw, damnit. The bell's about to go off. I can't leave this story unfinished, so I'll see if I can borrow Doug's laptop during lunchtime and update then. There's a lot I have yet to tell, but I guess that's what I get for not updating for nearly a month.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, September 14, 1009
1:15 P.M.

Ahh, just a week. Not too bad.
I think I overlooked something that happened a few weeks ago, though.
Something happened with this guy, James a few weeks ago. With the help of my trusty cell phone calender, I can safely say it happened...about three weeks ago, on August 28. Friday.

I met James the previous weekend through Jack. We were hanging out with the same group of friends, but we weren't that acquainted with each other, so we didn't talk much. He DID introduce himself first, scoring major brownie points. He's cute in a white-boy way, kind of skinny but not stick-like, with shaggy light brown hair.

I guess it was a love at first sight thing for him, because in the week following, he was a total cyber flirt and even asked me out through MySpace IM. Obviously, I turned him down because I didn't know him that well. But I admired his confidence; he kept talking to me, flattering me, the whole nine yards.

And then, the ominous Friday. The night before, he said he'd be at Las Palmas visiting his uncle. His uncle, believe it or not, is the boyfriend of one of my friends, Mishka. Yeah, his uncle is younger than he is. That's pretty common around here...-_-' Anyway. I told him I'd probably be at Doug's house, so we might see each other.

Doug and I were having a McDonald's picnic in his kitchen after school on Friday when a knock was heard at the door. I knew it was going to James, and I'd told Doug earlier so he had a pretty good idea of who it was as well. Doug answered the door and I hid under the kitchen table, giggling to myself. They made conversation at the door for a few minutes and I ran into the kitchen, hiding behind a wall. Eventually, I revealed myself, my hair in a messy ponytail, wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt from my drama class. (We do a lot of breathing exercises on the floor, so my teacher allows us to change.) I tried to look as unattractive as possible so James would get a hint, but I don't think it worked...

We hung out in Doug's room alone; his mom went to pick up Braulio, Kris, Lauden, and Andrew at GPO. When the rest of the guys finally got there, we went to the Las Palmas park. Lauden is really into martial arts, so he and Andrew started training. The rest of us lounged around on the playground equipment and on the grass, with occasional inputs from Mishka, her twin sister Bryce, her boyfriend, and her other friends. James, when he wasn't training with Lauden and Andrew, was flirting with me, holding my hand and complimenting me. I tried to let him know how uninterested I was, but he didn't buy it at all.

Doug stayed at his house. We weren't surprised; he always did this. We figured we'd just let him stay by himself for a while so he could wind down. But eventually, it started getting late and we had to go back. We said our goodbyes to James, who had to stay in the park and wait for his uncle and Mishka. The guys shook his hand and left back to Doug's. I was last, so I gave him a long hug and started walking away.

"What, that's it? A hug, no kiss?" he said.

I turned around. "What? You want a kiss? Fine, here." I walked back to him and pecked his lips fast. "There. I'll see you later, then." I turned on my heel, hoping he'd drop it. He didn't.

"No! Mika! Wait! Seriously...will you go out with me?" He looked at me with deep eyes.

Since he'd already asked me out earlier that week on MySpace IM, and I'd already said no, I honestly thought he was kidding. I laughed, shook my head, and said, "No! Come on James, I don't even know you!" Seeing the disappointment in his eyes, I walked back to him to give him another hug. "But don't give up! Just keep talking to me. Stay my friend. Something could happen with us." I hugged him tighter and rested my chin on his shoulder.

He put his hands against me and pushed me back a little to look me in the eyes. "Oh, it's okay. I'll just...wait here. For my uncle, and --"

At that moment I don't know what came over me. His face was so close to mine. And I was curious; I wanted to know if I COULD have that spark with him. So I kissed him hard. Not just a peck, either; we were making out in a playground.

After a few seconds, I realized I was kissing the wrong guy. The only person on my mind was Rush. I couldn't do this to James. I already went further than I should have gone. Cursing myself, I pulled away, dropping his hands. "Oh, God, that was so wrong...uhm, I'm just gonna go now, sorry about that, I'll see you...uhm, tomorrow? 'Kay, yeah. bye!" I hurried out of the park, closing the gate behind me catching up with the rest of the guys.

I told them everything that happened on the short walk to Doug's house. They were pretty consoling, giving me hugs and telling me it would be fine.

But when we got back to Doug's, a whole new drama awaited us. Doug was having an emo moment major. We usually just leave him alone, and he ends up fine in the end. But this time, he was really upset. Braulio and I were talking in the spare room (they've got an extra room now that his sister has moved out) when suddenly, Lauden, Kris and Andrew burst in. "What's up with Doug?" Andrew looked at me and Braulio as if we would know. "He just...walked out. And slammed the door. What the hell is wrong?"

Braulio and I looked at each other. Here we go again.

I'd rather not talk about Doug's drama now, so I'll try to make this as short as I can. Braulio and I went out to look for him, since we're the closest to him out of all the other guys. We tried to talk some sense into him. He said he was pissed since we were all ignoring him, and we didn't care. Braulio and I told him we ALL cared, but he walked away, back to his house. Braulio and I went the other way, walking slow and talking about his stupid attitude. We got back to Doug's house, and Braulio went alone to talk to Doug in his room. The other guys and I talked about my James situation while we waited.

Eventually, we all ended up back in Doug's room. After talking to him for an hour, he started to lighten up. He told me he was sorry he was being stupid, because he knew shit had just happened with me and James. I told him to fuck it, fuck James, and fuck whatever I was going through, 'cause he needed us more than I need everyone else.

Braulio plugged in his PSP playing "Last Train to Awesome Town" and we danced around Doug's room for a little bit. When we got tired, we just lazed around his room. I was the last to leave, and in the five minutes Doug and I had alone, he told me more about his situation. I guess everybody needs somebody. xD

So, the reason I'm recalling the James story is because I need to talk about some things that happened this weekend.

Jessica decided to hook him up with our mutual friend Kiersten. They met up last Friday, and Jess, even though she has a boyfriend, started to get feelings for James. The three of them went back to Jess's apartment, and Kiersten and James got pretty hot and heavy on her bed. She was talking to me through IM while this was happening, and I felt sort of...outraged. I thought James really had feelings for me, and he'd be willing to stick around. I was just starting to realize that James wasn't so bad, and maybe I'd give him a chance, and I'm hearing that he's making out with some girl he just MET? Argh, I hate guys like that...

So on Saturday at the mall, seeing James made me feel awkward. Kiersten was now his girlfriend, and he didn't care about me anymore. I was just his flavor of week, nothing more than barely a memory.

Knowing me, James is probably going to become more and more appealing to me now that he's unavailable. Stupid cliche girl emotions. On top of all this, I think I still have feelings for Rush, despite all the crap he's put me through. Everyone keeps telling me how bad he is for me. And I KNOW. I KNOW he's horrible for me, and I should just stop wasting my time on him and try to find someone worth my while. But...I can't help it, damnit.

I'm gonna split now, though. I'm really tired of typing, and I need to get ready for my parent teacher conference. FML. I'll be back to type later.

Sayonara, strangers. -*

END 1:56 P.M.

Sunday, September 6, 2009
7:22 P.M.

Goddamn it.
So, I'll get straight to the point. Things are back to normal; I'm practically whoring myself again.

It happened last Wednesday. September 2, for future reference. Doug asked me to hang out as his place after school, so I agreed. I don't really like it when it's just me and Doug; I prefer when there are at least 3 of us. So I asked Rush to come along, and he agreed.

We all had a long day, so we were just lounging around on Doug's bed, our limbs overlapping. Doug had just recently gotten together with his girlfriend, so he was in a pretty good mood, and didn't mind all the human contact.

Rush was sprawled over on top of me. He moved a little, and his hand hit my boob. "RUSH!" I squealed. "Your hand. ...on my boob! Enhh!"

"What's your boob? This?" he asked, and squeezed where his hand was.

I winced and tried to hold in my pleasure. "YES! THAT! Now stop touching it!"

And that's how it all started. He kept poking my boob, making fun of me because I was getting turned on. He gagged me lightly with a pillow, which also sort of turned me on. Things progressed from there, and he started touching me between my legs. I thought he was going to stop, since Doug was, after all, right there in the room with us, but he kept persisting. I continued to giggle and hide my pleasure, but soon, it was too much. Doug, being my best friend, was probably able to sense this, and left the room, turning off the lights and closing the door.

Rush continued to touch me, but I felt more confident, and I felt better about what I was doing now that Doug was gone. But regardless of how good it felt, I knew it was wrong, and I whispered in his ear, "Stop." He didn't respond, he just kept breathing hard and rubbing between my legs.

We went on like that for a while, and several times he tried taking off my pants. But that's where I drew the line...honestly, it was because I haven't "trimmed the hedges" in a while and I was embarrassed. But well, I guess that's too much info. -_-'

Anyway.
He kept touching me, and I kept moving closer to him, my hand brushing against his pants every now and then. But when I finally got the nerve to kiss him, it seemed like he didn't want to kiss. All he wanted to do was touch. I kissed him anyways, and he continued to touch me.

I finally reached my "breaking point," and we lay in bed for a while next to each other. "Why'd you do that?" I asked him.

His eyes were closed. "Do what?"
I rolled my eyes at the ceiling and sighed. "...that!" I said. "Why? I mean, that was...it was good, but it was just so wrong! Why'd you do it?!"
His eyes opened a little. "Why didn't you stop me?"

DINNER BREAK 7:39 P.M.
---------------------------------
8:06 P.M.

I felt tears welling in my eyes. Again?! I really needed to stop this from happening. I've been trying to cleanse myself, and THIS is what happened?! Oh, well. Might as well make this enjoyable for him, right?

After a few minutes, I rolled my head over to look at him. "Hey, Rush? You ever gotten a blowjob?"
"No. Why?"
"Just...yeah. Just asking."
"...why?"
"I was just wondering Rush."

And a few minutes later, I couldn't take the silence anymore.

His eyes were closed, but I knew he was listening. "Thanks for that, but I feel like I owe you."
"Hmm?"
"Owe you. I feel like I owe you. So...what do you want?"
He sleepily gazed at me through half-open eyelids. "Anything."
I put my hand on his chest and felt his heart beating, though it wasn't beating nearly as fast as mine. Slowly, I moved my hand down to his waist only to discover that his pants were already unzipped.

I'll spare details, but I gave him head that afternoon. After we finished, we awkwardly lay next to each other partially covered in a blanket, a strange, familiar taste in my mouth. I hopped up, turned on the lights, and ran for the bathroom.

Doug was lounging around in his parents' room, and I told him everything. He was disgusted, saying Rush was never going to be invited to his house again. I shook my head, fighting back tears. After Doug consoled me for a while, we went back to his room. Rush was playing on the keyboard in the spare room, and we could hear him. Sure he could hear us as well, Doug and I threw disgusted looks at each other until he joined us again.

For the rest of the night, Doug gave Rush major attitude. Rush needed a ride home, so my mom came and picked us up. He got home, I got home. He probably thought he had an amazing, lucky night, but I felt like a whore.

Now, I know for sure he'll never like me romantically. He'll just think of me as his go-to girl, the one he'll go to when he needs something. I'll be honest, though, I don't mind at all. I mean, I mind now, but in time, I'll be fine with it. Lots of people have friends with benefits, why can't I? As soon as I get over him, things will be back to normal. I'll have a new FWB, and again, I'll fail at cleansing myself.

But for now, I'm upset. I just wanted him to feel something for me. But now I know he won't. He's totally falling for Kellen. And every time I see him, I just want to kiss him again, and tell him how much I want him to stop looking at her, and to start looking at me. That I haven't known him long, but I know something could happen with us; it just all depends on him.

It's funny, too, because I haven't known him long at all. Probably...around a month, I guess, even less than that. 3 weeks, maybe. And as all of my school friends have gotten to know him better in the past three weeks, they're all starting to realize what a tool he is, and how bad he is for me. But I can't seem to listen to them. All they're saying is going in one ear, out the other. I'm still convinced that he's good for me.

I need to stop beating myself up over this guy.

Sayonara, strangers. -*

END 8:24 P.M.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009
8:00 P.M.

So. Fuck. Where the hell do I begin?
The ending of summer wasn't all that special, actually. I started school off normally.

Well, as normal as changing my schedule SIX FUCKING TIMES can be.

But it passed quickly, and in the end, I got all the classes I wanted. Can't say I deserved to get them though...I was a total bitch about it. Heh, heh. -_-'

Anyway. New love interest? Indeed! <3 That's right, no more Jack. We're hardly even friends anymore, so I was sort of forced to give up. We hung out probably once at the mall, for about an hour. Maybe two, whatever.

So, who IS this guy, anyway?

Well, I don't think I want to disclose his name. That might be kind of dangerous, even though he probably already knows. xD He's a really awesome guy, though. I met him at school; he's a Sophomore that transferred from the North campus. (At first glance, I thought he was a senior. Go fucking figure...xP) It was sort of a love-at-a-week-after-first-sight kind of thing. Turns out, he knows one my out-of-school friends. Small world, indeed. He's touchy-feely a lot, just how I like them. He's kind of a flirt, though maybe he doesn't realize it. He's one of those people who really makes me nervous. I've only had that happen twice before, and NEVER this early into a friendship. So, something's going to happen. Knowing me, something bad, but something nonetheless.

Paula thinks I'm looking too deep into this. She says I should give it time, get to know him as a person. And I do admit, she's right, absolutely right. That's what I'm doing now; getting to know him better as a person. And I can't see the flaws yet. I mean, his house raids are kind of strange, but for now, I think it's cute. Aside from that, he's pretty...well. He's so close to what I'm looking for.

Paula also says that maybe I'm "checking out" the wrong guys. And to that, I say...OH FUCKING WELL! For the time being, there aren't many people I CAN "check out." So I'm going to check out the guys I'm spending time with, and if they're worth my time, they get MORE of my time, if they choose to take it. Simple as that!

Aside from the guy stuff...

I've been doing...uhh, okay. I've been off one of my meds with my doctor's permission, but I'm still taking some. And I missed a dose this morning. I didn't think too much of it, because I've missed doses before, and I was fine. But I guess today, there was probably a trigger, or too much stress, and I totally snapped. It was in Creative Ministry SSR. Kellen, Marlo, and I weren't doing much, just playing around. Kellen was sitting between us, and I guess when she leaned over to hug Marlo, Marlo toppled over and almost fell off her chair. Mr. Sanchez had to scold us, and at first, I thought it was kind of funny. But then I started thinking about all those other times I was scolded. Not just by teachers, mind you. But my family as well. For kicking my brother, for getting bad grades, for having sex when my mom and Manny were away...I should have avoided those thoughts, but it was just too...I don't know. It just gave me something to think about. And, of course, with bad thoughts, bad things can happen.

It started with my heartbeat. A million times a minute, I could have sworn it. Then I started getting dizzy, and I could keep my head up. The light hurt my eyes, and I started blacking out. I couldn't have been tired; I was sitting down for nearly the entire day! I tried to keep my breath in check, but I was still panicking.

After Mr. Sanchez finished talking and gave the musicians time to practice for this Friday, I whispered to Kellen what was wrong. She sat next to me for the rest of the period, rubbing my back and asking if I wanted to go to the nurse. I kept my head on the table, breathing hard and wishing I was somewhere else, anywhere else.

The bell rang, and I stumbled to the library for the class meeting. I thought bad thoughts about nearly everyone I laid my eyes on...imagining the boys getting into car accidents, and the girls getting pregnant or beaten by boyfriends. But by lunch, I had calmed down. Not enough to talk to socialize much, but I was breathing okay and I was more relaxed.

Sometimes, my friends annoy the shit out of me, but it's days like today that remind me of why I stick with them.

On another note. I totally had this a-ha! moment in the shower tonight. Uhm, not like anybody wants to think about my shower epiphanies, but that's not the point. I realized that wherever I go, there's never anybody I can compare to. Everyone is better than me at something.

School? Nearly everyone is better looking. All the musicians in Creative Ministry are a lot more talented in their music than I am.
Home? I'm the...well, the black sheep, I guess. Not only am I the youngest, so I know the least, but I'm not as brilliant as they were when they were my age. They all know so much. My brother is not only a math whiz, but he knows his Japanese, and he learns quick. Manny works with computers, and has his own small business and dojo. My mom is in auditing, so she's a natural at math, too.
With friends? Like at school, everyone's better looking than me, and is more talented. Only difference my friends actually talk to me...but still, they put me down a lot. They tell me I'm fat, or something equally hurtful.

Not that I'm being negative. I'm being realistic. I'm not saying I'm talentless or that I'm giving up or something. It's just that I never realized how much I'm lacking.

Shit. MORE stuff to improve.

Sweet dreams, LiveJournal. Too many chats opened, and I can't concentrate.

Sayonara, starngers. -*

END 8:41 P.M.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009
7:59 P.M.

Oh, shit.
New record? Almost two months.

I really needed to post yesterday, but I couldn't log in. That's so Murphy's law, hmm? The one time I really want to log in, I can't. I posted it on MySpace, because there was nowhere else to put it. But here it is. I'll post again after this one.
--------------------------------

Monday, August 24, 2009
5:05 P.M.

So, what the hell am I so worried about anyway? That she's going to steal him away from me again?

Really, now, that's it?

Fuck yeah, that's it. And trust me, I have A LOT to worry about. She's done it before. She's been blocking other people from seeing who I am. She steals the spotlight from me, and it's because of her that I've never gotten my way. I'm scared to tell people how I feel, because they'll probably just tell me, "Oh, I don't like you. I like your cute friend over there. Can you hook me up?"

WHAT?! I just finished telling you how much I like you, how good you make me feel, and you expect me to hook you up with HER?! Do you KNOW what she's like?! She might seem nice. But when you spend as much time with her as I do...well, can you blame me for having a few drinks and chain-smoking? In other words....yes. Yes, I will hook you up with her, because I think you're a cool person and you should get what you want.

Many times, it's happened. And if it happens again, I'm making new friends. I'll switch schools, I'll move somewhere. I don't care, as long as I can get away from it. Guys think they're the only ones getting their hearts broken by her.

But SO AM I.

They just don't realize it. They don't see that I'm getting just as crushed as them. The same damn process has been in repeat for almost two fucking years, and nobody has noticed yet. What the HELL?! Does nobody believe I have feelings? Right, because SHE is the only one who has feelings, right? Because she's pretty. Because she's downright GORGEOUS.

News fucking flash. SHE IS NOT ALL THAT.

Granted, neither am I. But honestly, I have more to offer you than she does. Please, don't fall for her. I really need you to give me a chance. I'm trusting that you won't fall into her trap. I'm trusting that you don't go for looks or stupid novelty personality traits. I'm trusting that you go for heart, loyalty, and love.

I haven't known you long, and I know I might be pushing things. But let's just get to know a little more about each other, okay? Forget about her right now. She doesn't matter. What matters is how I feel for you, and how you feel for me. It doesn't matter if you think I have all the material things you need...please don't focus on that. Can't you be the one person who loves me for who I am? Aw, hell, I'm already starting to give up hope.

Prove me wrong.

So. What do you say?
Will you be my sweetheart? ♥

END 5:21 P.M.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009
9:23 P.M.

Wow. I really DON'T update anymore.
But not much has changed in three weeks.

Andrew left for Saipan for the rest of the summer.
Doug had his sixteenth birthday.

And that's it.

Doug's party was pretty enjoyable, actually. Ten or eleven of us...hmm. Lemme try counting. Doug, Chad, Will, Luke, Aljon, Jack, Kris, Andrew, Braulio, Paula, and me. Doug's parents and sister, of course. So ten of Doug's friends, eleven including him, plus his family made fourteen. We had a great time there...of course, the boys were ogling the women, and Paula and I, the only girls, didn't care much; we just wanted to eat.

Afterwards, despite Doug's party pooping, we went to the movies and saw "Land of the Lost." It was a great movie, funny at parts and meaningful at others.

I'm really not in the mood to type now.
I have a case of worms now that's really getting on my nerves. I'll be back in another 3 weeks.

Sayonara, strangers. -*

9:38 P.M.

Friday, June 5, 2009
2:02 P.M.

Oh, my.
I think I've pulled off a record this time. About two months I've been dead on LJ. But it's summer, and I'm going to MAKE things happen, so I'll have to update.

Not that things haven't been happening. I've been pretty overwhelmed, actually. School just ended, and I was really stressed about my grades. (I ended up on the A honor roll, but still. Maybe my stress was worth it?) I was worried about finals as well, even though I only took one final out of seven classes. Well, two, but one only counted as extra credit. I thought school would have been the focal point of my stress since May started, but I was wrong.

Jack has a new girlfriend. I never really MET her, but I kind of did. Alright, I'll elaborate.
I went to see Jack at the mall one weekend a few weeks ago. His girlfriend, Marlissa, wasn't there so, I hung out with him, Paula, and Joe. When she finally got there, he tuned out me and Paula (Joe knew Marlissa already, so he wasn't as extroverted as Paula and I were) for his girlfriend. No introduction, no nothing.

Paula and I tried our hardest to be nice to her. From a distance, we smiled and and acted friendly. But she stared us down and twisted her face into an expression like she had a bad smell under her nose.

The rest of them went to watch a movie, but Paula and I both declined. We went to Denny's instead, and shared a sampler and a brownie with ice cream as we bitched about our lives. I had 5 or 6 refills of soda and ate most of the food, but Paula didn't seem to mind.

Right after our feast was over, Jack called me, saying Douglas and Braulio were at the mall and needed someone to hang out with. He was leaving, he said, but he'd talk to me later. Paula and I found the boys, and spent the rest of the evening hanging out with them.

A few days later at school, as I was walking to class, Jack caught up with me. This rather surprised me, as Jack never really spoke to me between classes. But he told me that he was sorry he has to leave so early the weekend before, and maybe we could do something the following weekend to make up for it. I smiled and nodded, regretting the fact that I hadn't made an effort to look nice that morning. Douglas kept talking to him, so I continued walking to my Algebra class.

School ended that week. I sent Jack a text message, saying maybe we could cruise around Tumon that weekend, kick back at the beach. He sent back a "k," which was typical for him. He's never been a man of words. Anyway, I sent him another message last Friday, telling him the time and place. I know he read the message over MySpace, because he was online at the time and the status of the message was "Read." But he never replied.

I went to Tumon that Saturday anyway, and hung out with more friends. Paula was there, as were Braulio and our good friend Andrew. We were joined by Kayla and Aljon, who have feelings for each other but are too afraid to say anything. Kayla left early, and the rest of us went to the beach. We had a pretty fun night, but nobody had much money, so I ended up treating everybody. (I'm kind of glad I have plans this weekend; hopefully I'll be able to save my cash.)

Paula stayed the night last night. I'm not a huge fan of one-on-one sleepovers, but we had a pretty good time. We talked the whole night, and we cooked our Ramen-noodle dinner at 4 A.M. We had some pretty deep talks, and there are some things I'll never see the same way again.

Today, I need to man the registration table for my mom's 5K. I love helping out, and I'm looking forward to it...

More has been happened, so here it is in a nutshell: I've been spending a lot of time with my biological dad, Kelly's been texting me suddenly, often asking to do "sexting," and I've been working on getting a job and my driver's license.

Enough for now, Animal Crossing awaits!

END 2:19 P.M.

Monday, April 13, 2008
8:11 P.M.

Wow. Nearly two months since an update.
I've been scouring MySpace like crazy recently, so I guess I've been busy doing that.

I won't really say anything too specific as of now, because there's been much happening since I can last remember. Jack and I have talked a lot; we had a rather deep discussion last Friday. My mom and stepfather finally got married. And while my brother and grandmother were in Japan, my great-grandmother passed away.

She would have 101 during December, I believe. But she was getting old, and she started losing her memory. She was in a nursing home, in her deceased husband's old room. She lived a good life, from what I hear, and the only thing I regret was not speaking to her more regularly. Rest peacefully, Obaa-chan.

With Jack, things just keep getting more complicated. I actually made him a mix CD a few days ago, and he enjoyed quite a few of the songs. I don't think he got the message I was trying to send though, he just figured I'd put a bunch of songs on a CD for him. I went all out, designing cover art and even entitling it; "What It Means...You Mean The World To Me."

I've been sort of, erm...well, as embarrassing as it is to admit, I've been "MySpace Stalking" Jack. I check up on his page almost every day, looking through his mood and status changes and comments. I've found out he has a "sort-of girlfriend," they aren't really boyfriend-girlfriend, but they ARE casually dating. I've been trying to woo him and get him to fall for me, but he told me last Friday that he's really not ready for all that...serious relationship stuff. And...he came clean about something else, too. He's leaving for good in October...

My mom's wedding was rather lovely. At my table were Jack, Douglas, Kellen, Katlyn, Paula, and Kimmy. All of MGS was there too. Out of my friends, only Jack and Doug went to the actual ceremony, and they got to witness, in live action, one of the most horrific moments of my life; locking the hotel room key in the room...but let's not talk about that now. xD Jack and I shared a slow dance that made me fall even harder. Jack and Doug at first pussied out on performing out little dance routine (they told me right after the ceremony...how evil!), but the girls and I decided to play the music anyways, and just sort of wing it. The stage was clear and we stepped on the dance floor, Kellen in the center. Miraculously, the boys appeared behind us, Jack behind me and Doug behind Katlyn. Regrettably, we had to let Kellen take center stage since her partner couldn't make it. Kristen performed live, and she was nervous, but everyone loved her. After the wedding, I waited outside with Jack for his sister. She invited me to go to a late-night movie with them, but my mom said no. So, I went home sulking and cried silently. I'll never know what I missed that night.

So, that's the past two months, almost. In a NUTSHELL.

I've also been spending a lot of time with my dad and his family, so that leaves room for potential bloggage. Yesterday, Easter, was quite fun! But I'm sick now, really. I don't think I'll make it to school tomorrow, so no blogging for a few days, as I don't think anything is going to happen. But yes, I'll be in touch. I'd like to try blogging more now, to make up for two months of lost time...

Sayonara, stangers.

END 827 PM

Sunday, February 22, 2009
8:36 P.M. Home

As it turned out, last week wasn't much better than the week before. But we'll get to that later.
Last week, for the most part, was pretty normal. Stress, Kellen, and a couple of gained pounds. It's starting to get worse, though. I'm starting to sleep and eat excessively, so I'm gaining weight like crazy. I'm super irritable, and I know it's not PMS, because it's not that time, and it wouldn't start this early (or last thing long).

I think it has something to do with two Fridays ago, Friday the 13th. Not that I'm over superstitious or anything. Okay, maybe a little. But still.

First thing. Since it was "Activity Day," middle school and high school had a combined lunch period. Jack was playing basketball outside, near where my friends and I eat lunch. I was talking to them about how I really wanted an answer from him, since it HAS already been a month. They were getting really tired of me talking about him so much, so I guess they took matters into my own hands. Our seventh grade friend, Sora, who knows Jack, stole him away from his game, while Doug and Kat pushed me towards him. After lots of resisting and yelling, Jack and I eventually met in the middle. We made small talk for a while, but when Jack wasn't looking, I looked at Doug and mouthed, "HELP ME!" Doug finally came over and dragged Jack of to tell him what I wanted to say.

In the meantime, I chatted with Kat, my hopes high. Finally, the boys finished talking, and Doug dragged ME off. Here's where the bomb drops.

"Well, Mika," Doug started, "as much as Jack likes you, he had to say no."

Funny, now that I think about it, I don't even remember WHY he said no. I think it had something to do with...him only seeing me as a friend, and not wanting to ruin our friendship.

Basically, I spent the rest of activity day sulking in a random classroom-turned-move-theater. That was, after all the point of activity day; to do something other than school work and raise money for the school. Too bad I was in too crappy of a mood to help anybody out.

At the end of the day, Kellen and Kat convinced me to still go to the Valentine's dinner. I rolled my eyes and agreed. I went home to get ready, and put on a black and white dress that I bought months ago. I did my hair and makeup lightly, and got into the car with my mom. I figured I might as well make an effort tonight, and try to make myself happy.

Unfortunately, things never seem to go my way. We chilled in the gym, had dinner, and danced for a few songs. I started getting a bad stomach ache, so I drank some water (we had to pay an extra fifty cents for drinks. Stupid school. -_-) and sat down. Then, I started getting itchy. Kellen suggested we got into the bathroom so I could unzip my dress and let my skin breathe. Kat followed us, and since the bathrooms were empty, so did Doug. I laid back on the bench and scratched at my skin. "God, it's so hot," I complained.

Kellen looked at me. "Mika, you're getting scratch marks already. Go completely take of your dress in one of the stalls..."

I agreed without hesitation. The itchiness kept getting worse, and before I knew it, my skin was red-hot with bumps. Since I was still in the stall, I shouted my status to Katlyn. "Wanna just hop in the shower to cool off for a little bit?" Again, I agreed.

In the next 30 minutes, things got worse. My body hurt all over, and the bumps were rising everywhere. I yelled for Kellen to call my mom, and I cried in the shower, scratching crazily. Kat called for the nurse, who came in with a bag of ice. Kellen kicked off her shoes and jumped in the shower with me, rubbing my back with the ice. (Yes, I DO feel guilty for what I've been saying about her.) My mom and Manny came eventually, and gave me some medicine. We dropped Kellen home, and she consoled me for as long as we could. In minutes I was home in my own bed, Hanabi beside me, and I went to sleep.

The Monday after, President's Day, Manny decided to have all my friends who helped me over so he could thank them. We picked up Doug, and we went to Jack's house, since he was supposed to be at Doug's. He wasn't at his mom's house, and when we went to his dad's house, he said Jack's sister took him to the doctor. Something wrong with his tonsils, I think. When we got back to my place, Kat was there already. Kellen and her brother came next.

It wasn't the day I thought it was going to be. We ordered pizza from YellowCab, and Doug was bitching about it because he wanted Pizza Hut. We were ordering YellowCab because it was cheaper, and it tasted better. Still, Doug complained. When Manny came out to ask us what we wanted, Doug launched into this completely mad-up story that his sister had gotten food poisoning at YellowCab four years ago. Whatever, that place wasn't even opened four years ago.

Manny picked up the pizza, and when we were finished eating, Doug complained MORE because he wanted soda. We walked to the store next to the video shop where my brother works. Even though I told her he was at school, she shook me off and decided to go in and look for him. Of course, he wasn't there, so we left, armed with our sodas, to Christina's house. We stayed at her house for a while, and in the end, everyone told her she could come back with us to my house.

We walked back to my place, and Kat got ukulele lessons from Manny, since she's just learning to play. The rest of us sat on the driveway and messed around with my guitar, playing song games. Kellen and her brother left first, then Doug, then Christina.

The rest of that week was okay, since we only had three days of school. (Tuesday was some teacher thing.) We had exchange students Friday, so we got to skip most of our classes for that.

Yesterday, I slept for most of the day as well, except for an hour or two when my mom took me driving. After we got home, I fell asleep again. When I woke up at 5, everyone was looking for me at the mall. I got my mom to drop me and met up with John. I talked to him for a little bit...

I was getting cold at the food court, so I took my sweatshirt out of my bag. "What's that? Oh, another jacket for me to take!"
"No, this is my favorite one...since you TOOK my other favorite one last year!" I said, a hint of venom in my voice.
"Well, we were going out back then. So like, everything that was yours...was also mine."

After he said that, I got quiet and finished eating. I saw Paula and Andrew walking by, so i waved to them. "Don't call them over!" John said. I ignored him and called them over. I got some hugs from Braulio, Andrew and Paula. Doug told me the exchange students were at the mall, and we should go say hello. I ditched the table with my food and John to find them.

The est of the time at the mall was spent with the Japanese. We met up with Kayla, and she wooed them with her DDR skills. One of the guys actually hit on her. Too bad she has a boyfriend!

After they left, Paula, Braulio, and I went back to Doug's to hang out. Paula's parents picked us up and dropped me home.

So, I'm getting sort of tired. I've been typing for nearly and hour. I'll end it here and get ready for bed.

Sayonara, strangers. -*

END 922 PM

Monday, February 9, 2009
5:14 P.M. Home

Last week was a pretty rough week.
First, the Kellen thing. A handful of us have been getting tired of Kellen and her stupid cute antics. It wasn't too bad at first, but after a while...God, she's just starting to let it get to her head, and it's really annoying. Her stupid squeals, how she always says, "Ehh? I'm not cute!" in a cute voice when we tell her she's cute...it's gotten to be too much. Not just that, but her obsession with my brother isn't exactly fun to deal with either. She drags my brother into everything we talk about, saying something like, "Oh, I bet if Topher were here, he'd be like, 'Fail! Kellen, you're so funny with your fails!' Mika, Mika! Right!? That's what Topher would say?! Right?!" She talks about my brother as if she knows him better than me, and I've known him all my life. He doesn't even like her all that much. But really, the real reason why I've been iffy with Kellen is because well, I feel like she's starting to steal Jack away. I'll be within earshot, within eyeshot, whatever. Point is, I can see AND hear, and she knows it. Anyway, I'll be standing right there, and she'll literally be hanging off Jack, hugging him tight and squealing "JACKY!!!" in her stupid baby voice. And he just stands there and takes it, which might mean he likes it.

Then, the Doug thing. I'm starting to get a repeat of last year, with him teasing me and putting me down. I thought we were over that, quite honestly. I guess not; it's like he HAS to insult me in order to be friends with me. Whenever I ask him a simple question, he talks to me like I'm stupid just because I don't know the answer. So when he makes a snide remark, I keep my mouth shut and change the subject. But still, even when I change the subject, he'll say, "You're dumb. Why are you changing the subject so fast. You get distracted so easily, I'm serious." SHUT THE FUCK UP, I'M FUCKING SERIOUS! I'm only changing the fucking subject because he's being an ass.

My camera broke the other day, too. I was taking some cool pictures for a new default, and I dropped it. Because, you know, according to Doug, I'm such an idiot and all. I told my mom that the lens just didn't want to come out, because if I tell her I dropped it, she'll have a fit. I'll have to go back to using my crappy old one until I get enough money to simply choose one for myself.

My mom thinks I'm smoking, even though I haven't LOOKED at a cigarette in a month. My room smelled like smoke because I left my window opened one afternoon, and when she went in, she smelled it and asked me if I was smoking. I told her I wasn't, but she didn't look like she believed me at all.

At St. Paul, there's separate Chapel times for middle school and high school, since there's too many of us combined. I was supposed to play praise and worship for both middle AND high school, and I was super pumped Friday morning, guitar in hand and smile on my face. Turns out, I couldn't play for EITHER, since there were no amps for me. I stuck myself in the sound booth and controlled the PowerPoint, refusing to leave the booth until the rest of the students were dismissed for lunch.

Saturday was the icing on the cake, so to speak. I picked up Doug, Braulio, and Andrew from Doug's house, and we went together. When we bumped into Nikki and Kayla, two of Braulio's ex-girlfriends, I started getting pissed off. I bought Burger King for my lunch, and I wanted to sit down and eat. Braulio was like, "Just eat it while we're walking." I shrugged and followed. He grabbed my drink out of my hand, like he was so fucking cool, he could just do whatever the hell he wanted. I'm not stupid; he was obviously just doing it to look cool in front of Nikki and Kayla. Eventually, I grabbed my drink back and ditched them to eat. When I met up with them (Them = Braulio, Erika, Mishka, Andrew, Paula) again, I found out Doug ditched, too. But I saw him walking towards GameStop, and he purposely bumped his head against the wall. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me he'd been having a bad weekend.
"I'm not having that good a week, either," I told him. "Remember all that's been happeneing to me?"
He rolled his eyes. "Whatever. My week's been worse."
This, obviously, was NOT true. He never has bad weeks anymore, with friends and teachers who love him, and parents who treat him like royalty.
"Well, you know what's been happening to me. It HAS been a pretty bad week for me, y'know?" I replied.
He shook his hair in front of his face, trying to look cool, my favorite jacket wrapped around his shoulders. "Mika, don't even TELL me about bad weeks, okay? Mine's been worse than yours!"
At this point, I got fed up. He ALWAYS has to make his life seem worse than everyone else's, even though he's got the best. He was in the middle of bitching at me when I simply stalked off, in my gray Hello Kitty t-shirt, towards the deserted trolley station. I sat ther for nearly three hours, getting texts and calls from Erika, Mishka, Paula, and even Kellen, who was at the mall with her cousin and brother. Eventually I went back in to find Doug to get my jacket, but when I found the others, he was gone already. One by one, Erika, Mishka, and Andrew left, leaving me with Paula and Braulio. We walked to Doug house, where he confronted me about why i got mad. I shook it off and laughed about it. Braulio stayed, and Paula's parents picked us up and dropped me home.

Yesterday was super fun. I went to my dad's house, but my dad wasn't even there. He was at the after party for SuperCrew, way on the other side of the island. I spent the day just hanging out with my aunties and my cousin, talking and eating outside the house, taking a few minutes to go to the drive-thru coffee place nearby. I've got a new addiction, some cherry-chocolate blended thing.

But yeah...I'm chatting and texting now, so I think I'm going to go. I'll update later tonight or tomorrow. Crappy week, lets hope this one is better.

Sayonara, strangers. -*

END 605 PM

Thursday, February 5, 2008
4:44 PM, Home

Dear Jack,

      You know, I sort of wonder if you'll ever read this. Probably not. But I've got to tell you somehow...
I remember way back then...about a year ago, when I first met you. I thought you were just some chubby little kid with too-bright hair and a love for games. But I got to know you more, and we became super close friends in no time at all. But even then, I never thought I'd end up falling for you.
      We had all those after-school hang outs at the mall, and we'd blow all our money on DDR. Remember all those heart-to-heart talks we used to have? I remember one, when we were standing by the second-floor ledge by the stairs, looking down on center court. Funny, I don't even remember what we talked about, but I remember you were there, and I was there, and nothing else mattered. That was the first time I ever saw you as anything more than a friend...but I shook the feeling immediately.
      Then, the period of texting. We'd text each other all the time, asking to hang out, to meet up, to borrow money, whatever. Remember that week when we constantly texted each other, even during class hours, when we were both a little aroused? I guess we were both feeling some sexual tension. I was dealing with John, you were dealing with some girl named Anne. As I sent you text after kinky text in my Geometry class, I thought hard about what these texts would lead to. Would they get me into deep trouble, would you end up regretting it? Luckily, though, when we spoke face-to-face, you completely ignored it, and they stopped abruptly.
      In the months to follow, we got even closer. Remember the video group, TIB? Wow, those were the memories...we had so many awesome videos, and they gave us all an excuse to hang out. I remember all the parties, the end-of-the-school-year one, where Nick came.
      Oh, gosh, Nick. You helped me out with that guy so much...you pushed us together. Even though you and Nick were like brothers, you still stayed on my side when he hurt me. You could have been mad at me, and refused to speak to me. But you instead labeled HIM as the bad guy...and you were there for me.
Now I get to the hard part...Winter Formal. Remember that night, where we just...danced the night away? I remember throwing my shoes off and dragging you out of your chair to dance. You lost your money, and you were all sad...but I wanted to make it all better for you. I had no idea how much would change just three hours after that...
      One slow dance. Remember that slow dance? Everyone was up on the dance floor with a partner, and they swayed in sync. Everyone except you and I, that is. I remember sitting there, sideways on the chair, tipping it on its back legs, my chin in my hands. I sighed, looking at all the happy couples, pressed closely together. "Look," I said, when I felt you stand next to me. "How cute is that?" I sighed again, thinking of who I wanted there, dancing with me. I thought of my boyfriend at the time, John, but immediately dismissed the thought. I thought of plenty other guys, Zac Efron included, but the one who I DID dance was the one I least expected.
      I remember sitting there, my chin still in my hands, my shoulders beginning to shake from the cold. Out of nowhere, a hand appeared in front of me, and I heard your voice. "Care to dance?" Thinking I had heard wrong, I looked back questioningly. You looked back, hand still outstretched, and said it again. "Erm...care to dance?" I smiled lightly, and couldn't help but to giggle. I took your hand and led you to the dance floor. Our fingers were intertwined irregularly, but it didn't feel awkward at all. Matter of fact, I could have never felt happier, swaying side to side in your arms. And that's when those feelings started to come back...
      As I gazed at you out of the corner of my eyes and tried to make small talk, I felt my stomach flutter and my heart jump. I got that nauseating feeling in my stomach, but the good kind. The kind that means you're in love. But just as I was beginning to enjoy it, you leaned in close and whispered, "Follow my lead, okay?" I nodded, and you swayed me over to where your friend Daniel was sitting alone just off the dance floor. You smiled, dropped my hands, and left the scene. I couldn't get Daniel to dance, so I asked another friend, Kellen to help. It wasn't long before the two of them were dancing slowly to the music, and you and I were leaned up against a podium watching them. I fought my feelings to ask you to dance with me again, because I knew that I was farthest from your mind. After the slow song, we danced two more hours, and everyone left. Then, it was just you and me...
      We sat in the lobby of the hotel, passing the same yawn to each other countless times. We leaned on each others shoulders and waited for my parents to pick us up. We dropped you home, and as you left the car, I fought a strong urge to run out after you and kiss you on the spot, to show you what I finally discovered I felt.
      What made me fall for you that night, I'll never be to sure. Maybe it was the way you felt concern for me, and asked me to the dance floor. Maybe it was your concern for Daniel, wanting to make sure he didn't feel lonely. Maybe it was just the wasted time I spent talking to you. But whatever it is...it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters now is how I feel.
      The past few weeks have been rough. I remember telling you how I felt on the night of my sixteenth birthday. I remember asking you to go out with me in the middle of January, with my hopes way to high. But things have been awkward for almost a month now, and I don't know how to win you back. More than anything I miss the days when we were close, all our mall hangouts, and our few chats on the phone. All those cigarettes we smoked together, the songs we listened to together, and God, even the porn we watched together, I'm ashamed to admit. I need just one more day with you with things like old times, just so I can prove to you how good we are together. I don't want us to drift far apart, like I did with so many others. I want you to be different. No, I KNOW you're different.
      There's so much I like about you. All the little quirks that might annoy people, but that I love about you.
      I love your gamer side. Every girl needs a dork, right? xD
      I love your cute side. Someone's got to be cute, and I don't think I can pull it off.
      I love your immature side. You know how to have fun, and you have a carefree spirit that nearly matches mine.
      I love your respect for soldiers. You have a passion for brave people who serve our country, and you're putting good use to your life.
      Everyone says we're too far apart age wise. But I KNOW we can work around it. If we love each other enough, we'll get through it. And it's a sure thing that I love you, Jack Cross. I'll admit, it took a while to admit, and I wasn't too sure at first. But now, I'm absolutely sure of it. I just want to know if you feel the same way.
      'Cause if you do, let's stop wasting time. Let's make something worth saving, something worth telling years from now.
      Let's fall in love.

                          Love,
                                  Mika. <3
END 534 PM

Tuesday, February 3, 2009
4:00 PM Home

Oh, my. It's been a while since I've updated. This time, though, I have a pretty good excuse. My computer was unusually slow for all of January. I guess it caught a bug or something. Manny reformatted a few days ago, so it's good now. Anyways...

It's been an okay month, for the most part. A lot of stuff has been happening with Jack, so I guess that'll be my main point for this entry, since I've been so backtracked.

I DID ask Jack out, near the middle of this month. I brought the Skelanimal he got me to school, and taped a sign to its paws that said "Will you go out with me?" And like, when he was practicing for Creative Ministry during lunch one Wednesday, Doug dragged him out of practice and shoved him in front of me. "What?" He said.

I looked on shyly, and reached into my bag. "Well, I wanted to show you something I brought today..." I pulled out the stuffed toy. "...will you go out with me?"

He giggled and looked back at Doug, who simply stared back. He looked back and me and said, "Uhh...well, just tell me where."

Now, I know what you're thinking. Isn't he supposed to say yes or no? Yeah, that's what I thought. Doug actually told me, "I wouldn't be surprised if he asked you where you wanted to go instead of saying yes." But I mean, c'mon. Jack's still in middle school, only 13. I didn't expect much...and I didn't want much either. But anyway...

We stood there talking for a bit, trying to get to the bottom of things. He said he was sort of scared of hurting me. He knew what had happened with Nick and Kelly, and he didn't want to end up like that. He said he's already lost them as friends, and HE didn't want to lose any friends if he hurts me. Before we could get further, I knew he had to go back to practice, so I told him to go back to the team, and I'd talk to him later.

A few days later was the school carnival. Since most of the students already witnessed the carnival the day before when we had Japanese exchange students, it was pretty dead. But Doug and I went, nonetheless. Jack had a shift at his class's booth, but since there was hardly anything to do, Doug (who was tired of my constant Jack talk)dragged Jack from his chair, and forced him to talk to me. "So..."

"So...?" he echoed.
I decided since I was already here, I might as well spill my heart out. "Well, I just wanted to know, about, well...y'know. Yeah..." Psh, way to go. So much for spilling my heart out.
"...I don't know. It just sort of surprised me when you asked me out. I just thought of you as a big sister, someone I can look up to, you know?" He was seemingly better with his words that I was, I'll give him that.

I pondered this. "Well, yeah, I imagine it must have been...but I mean, I'd like to give us a chance."

He stopped. "Well, right now, it's like, 70 percent yes, and like, 20 percent no, and like, the other five percent is over with the yes. Whatever, I can't do math now I'm tired." No, really, that's what he said. It's only 95 percent, but close enough. He WAS tired.

"Really? Why the...no?" I said, sounding like a stupid little girl.

"Well, it's just...Nick and Kelly." he said shyly.

"Ahh..." I said. "Doug said something about them...what's that about anyway?"

He looked at his feet. "Well, it's just that, I don't want to say yes, and I end up breaking your heart, and everyone hates me. I mean, just look at them. All of your friends, including me, hate them now, because of what they did to you. I don't want to end up like that...I don't want everybody to hate me." He continued walking, but I ran in front of him and stopped him in his tracks.

"Jack," I said, meeting his eyes with my own. "Would you ever intentionally hurt me?"

He looked at me like I was crazy. "No, of course not."

I threw my hands up and walked back towards Doug. "Then, there you go. There's no problem. The thing with Nick and Kelly is that they never said they wouldn't hurt me. And I knew they were going to in the end. But I know you're not like that. You're a super close friend, and that's good enough for me..."

He got a little smile on his face, but he kept walking. "Well...just tell me where, y'know. And we'll do something on the weekend."

"Sure," I said, as we got closer to Doug. "Let's go Valentine's day. See a movie or something."

"Cool," he said. "Well...I'll talk to you later. He opened his arms for a hug.

I giggled sheepishly and leaned in. It was usually the other way around, me signaling that I needed somebody; it was usually me making the first move. It was me starting all the conversations, me hugging him in surprise. But in one short moment, on a loud Friday night, with people buzzing about a soccer field...he opened his arms to me first, as if letting me know that it was okay to need him. It was like his subconscious way of letting me know that he was there for me, that it was okay for me to need him. So I leaned in, and I let him hold me for a second. Just one second was all it took...and I knew I had fallen in love all over again.

So, if you couldn't tell from that paragraph, that was pretty much the highlight of this whole Jack thing. We've been pretty okay lately, we say hello when we pass each other in school, and hug each other occasionally. Last Saturday, he joined me and some other friends to watch InkHeart, and he let me borrow his jacket. <3 Pretty good, y'know?

Today, though, I heard that some Freshman at school are spreading a rumor that Jack and I are dating. It sort of angered me at first, but I'm over it. They can talk all they want, but if they don't have the facts, the rumors mean nothing.

Back to more important things than rumors...
It's hard to wait, especially because I don't think he's ever going to give me an answer. I don't think we're ever going to go out, either. But well, there's not much I can do about it. I'm going to...cherish his friendship for what it is now. Hopefully he feels the same, and if he doesn't...OH FUCKING WELL. I know I'll always have his friendship, and that's good enough.

But still...I hope he feels the same...

Sayonara, strangers. -*
END 456 PM

Friday, January 9, 2009
7:03 PM Home

Today wasn't all THAT great. I got to school right on time, so I didn't get to see Jack. Our praise and worship for Chapel was only one song, and only certain members were pulled out third block to practice, and I wasn't one of them. So I didn't know the song at all as we were singing. During lunch, though, some stuff went down...

Katlyn got all of us Christmas presents when she went to Hawaii of Christmas break, but she didn't get one for our friend Hee. Hee's a Korean guy, pretty cool, but he's very abusive, especially towards me. He punches and kicks me a lot, and he always takes my stuff and hides it from me as a joke. Anyway.

Kellen piped up with a suggestion, jokingly, of course. "Why don't you get him a dead body, so he can like, kick it and punch it and stop hurting the rest of us?"

In the meantime, I was saying something the same time as her. I said, "Whatever you do, don't put a bow on MY head and give ME to him, 'cause I've already taken enough of his crap."

Kellen glanced on at me as she dropped her bags on the ground. "I said a DEAD person, not a FAT person." Ooohs were heard all around, but she just ignored them and went to go buy her lunch. For the rest of the lunch period, nobody said anything about, she didn't apologize, and I didn't say anything either. If I had, Douglas would probably see that as complaining. So I went the rest of the period just talking and laughing, acting like it didn't affect me at all. But really, it made me really sad.

Later in the hour, we were observing a giant and, and Hee, in his typical sadist fashion, went in to kill it. Katlyn, ever the ant lover, said, "No! Hee!!!!!" and hit is head.

Hee got pretty upset, saying, "Just for a fucking ANT?!"
Katlyn looked back, startled. "C'mon, Hee. I mean, what did the ant ever do to you?"
Hee gazed on at her. "It's just a fucking ANT, and you're gonna hit a person in the head?!"

Katlyn, as well as the rest of us, got extremely quiet. Finally, Kellen broke the silence, holding up a normally brown part of a tree saying, "WHY IS IT GREEN?!"

I guess that was pretty much the day today. A whole bunch of disappointment...I hope tomorrow's better.

Sayonara, strangers. -*

END 720 PM

Monday, January 5, 2009
2:49 PM Home

I think it's coming back.
All the signs are there, and I HAVE stopped taking my meds. I'm extremely irritable, and I find the bad in everything. I have no appetite, except for sweets. I haven't been playing guitar much, and I can't even stay focused when I'm reading. I've been sick these past couple of weeks, and it isn't going away. My immune system is weak...

I've been sleeping excessively as well. Anywhere from 10 to 14 hours a night, and I'll usually nap for a couple of hours in the afternoon. I've stopped fighting for what I believe in. Usually, I'm somewhat opinionated and I make my voice heard. But I'm finding myself agreeing with everything lately, because it's easier than arguing back.

It's not healthy, and I know it's not. But the medication is just too stupid. It's causing me all these stupid side effects that are making my life harder. And when I DON'T take it, it's hard as well. What am I supposed to do?! Either way, I'm going to lose...

I guess I'll be back later this week. I just decided to log on now because I really need to talk about this. Hopefully, things get better.

Sayonara, strangers, -*

END 257 PM

Sunday, January 4, 2009
11:01 PM

It's been a while since I've logged on because my computer's been slow. Apparently, my absence has affected the Messenger world, too, and everyone's making up for it. I'm IMing more people than normal, and the bottom of my screen is blinking like crazy.

Everyone's sharing happy news.

-Christina is going to Okkodo next year, a new public school. Most of the public schools here really suck, and this new one is of great envy.

-Paula had a real heart-to-heart with our friend Chad. They went to GPO today with other friends (Not me, I wasn't invited) and she didn't have a ride home, so he gave her a lift. He talked pretty deeply on the way home, so she says. Funny thing is, I'm starting to like Chad again...

-Kellen was just talking about how she spent New Years with her cousins, watching movies and eating pizza.

So you can see how this would make me feel sort of uncomfortable, considering the day I've had. It was actually Manny's birthday, so we went to dinner. I didn't feel too well, so things weren't all that good. I was quiet and had no appetite, and I felt like I didn't fit in with my own family. And now I come home to all this good news. And I wish I had something to tell everyone else. But I can't, because nothing GOOD has been happening.

Yesterday was alright, though. I was out with my mom at GPO when I bumped into Andrew. I had just bought to pairs of new shoes, and we were leaving when he tapped me on the shoulder. He hung out with me and my mom for a little, then she took us to the mall. I didn't have my bag or anything because I wasn't planning on going, but I figured I was good with a twenty borrowed from my mom. We ran into Chad and my friend Kayla. We went to eat at Denny's, where I paid for part of Kayla's food as well as my own, leaving me with around 8 dollars. Paula and Bri showed up, and they kicked back with us. There was some drama with my new friend Mishka, who's sister got caught having sex at the mall, so Mishka stayed with us and we calmed her down. Her older brother Kevin, Bri's ex, was also concerned, but Mishka was able to keep the stuff about her sister a secret. We all saw a movie, Bedtime Stories. Andrew said he'd sit next to me, but Mishka took that seat instead. So I ended up squashed between Bri and Kayla. Andrew left in the middle of the movie to take the bus to meet his brother. Mishka and Kayla left, too, leaving me, Bri, Paula, and Chad. The four of us went back to my place and had a moving night. We laid down on my bed, shoulder to shoulder, staring at the ceiling. Paula came clean to Chad about her gift, and Chad was able to talk a lot about when he was younger as well, and all the stresses he went through. He had to leave in the middle of his story, and dropped Paula and Bri back at Bri's house.

Chad's story was especially moving...but I won't get into details. That might be disrespectful to him...but I will say it brought me to tears. Luckily, the lights were off so nobody saw me. It just made me respect Chad, you know? And that secret, hidden crush I've had on him has gotten stronger. I think I'm still going to keep it a secret, though...telling people is just ASKING for trouble, something I don't need. I mean, it's ALWAYS happened. ALWAYS. I don't see why things can't turn out good and STAY that way anymore. It's really depressing how hope isn't getting me anywhere. There's second thoughts on just...giving up, but I can't bring myself too.

But, well, time will tell...

Sayonara, strangers. -*

END 1134 PM

Monday, December 30, 2008
503 PM Doug's house

Oh, wow. Been, a while. My birthday was roughly a week ago, and some stuff went down.

The bottom line is that I DID come clean to Jack. Well, Doug helped me in a way. The tree of us left the party in my backyard and went to hang out in my room. Doug and I were talking about Jack as if he wasn't even there. I said things like, "Well, I don't Doug. I mean, he's just...he doesn't seem that in to me," him meaning Jack. And still, Jack continued to hibernate on my bed.

Eventually, we went back outside and told stories. We were all sitting in a circle, but Jack had to leave in the middle of it. Since I was in the middle of telling my story, I put everyone on hold while I went to say goodbye to Jack. I hugged him tightly away from the others and said, "Jack! Haha, you're not catching on?"
"Catching on to what?"

I smirked a bit. "I like you..."

He glanced back curiously. "Uhh? I like you to?"

I shook my head and giggled. "No! I mean...Doug, just...tell him, would you?" I then retreated back to the story circle and finished my story. After I finished Doug pulled me aside.

"So...about this Jack thing..." he said.

"Go on..." I nodded.

"Well, I told him, and he left smiling."

While it WAS good to hear that it made him smile, it wasn't all that reassuring that he was willing tgo give me a chance. Like I told everyone the past week, just because was smiling doesn't mean anything. If someone told me they liked ME, I'd smile even it I didn't like the guy back...but, oh well. I hope that, despite my uncanny knack to ruin relationships, Jack and I can still remain very close friends. I'd hate to lose him, expecially after I've been so close to him for almost a year now. I can't really express how much I DO care for him, because he's been there for me a lot. He's a very charming guy, and I hope he'll continue to act that way towards me despite the information he recently learned.

I'm actually on Jack's laptop right now, so perhaps I'll cut this here before I hog it more. I haven't been turning my desktop on at home lately because it's been slow, so as I soon as I update Norton and clean it out, I should be updating more...

Sayonara, strangers.-*

519 PM

Friday, December 19, 2008
11:43 P.M.

Wow, it's been a while...and I have a lot to talk about.
Through blurs of going to Doug's house, chatting online with Kat and Paula, and countless Creative Ministry practices, something stood out this month more than anything else.

It all started at Winter Formal.

I'd originally planned on going, then decided not to when I heard tickets were $30. Kellen and Jack (Who I think I mentioned before, but if I didn't...8th grader, Doug's cousin) had already bought tickets, and I was supposed to go with them. So I sucked it up, coughed up the cash, and asked my mom to drive us all there.
It wasn't a lame dance, but it wasn't great either. We made the most of it, dancing crazily and downing iced tea.

I always thought of Jack as a little brother. He was, after all, three years younger than me. I helped him through his girl problems, and he helped hook me up with my longest boyfriend, Nick. I never thought my feelings for him would blossom...but that just goes to show just how much I know.

The dance had both middle school and high school, and middle school had to leave at 930 because of curfew. So, just before 930, a slow song was played. I had danced for every song before that, but as soon as I heard those slow chords, I sank into a chair, smiling at everyone else. Jack approached the table, having just gone to refill his tea glass. He placed the glass on the table and stood in front of me. "Sweet, isn't it?" I said, my eyes still on the dance floor.

Then, out of nowhere, a hand extended out towards me. "Care to dance?" Jack said with a smile.
I smiled back, giggled, and took his hand. I dragged him onto the dance floor, and he wrapped his arms around me. Not too close, not too far...just close enough to tell people we were friends, just friends. He held my hand loosely, the other draped across my waist. Funny...I never realized how handsome he was until that moment...

We swayed across the dance floor, trying to make small talk. I didn't know what to say, so I just gazed into his eyes and giggled. He was trying to keep his cheeks down, but his eyes smiled back no matter how hard he tried. He glanced to the left and said, "Hey. Follow my lead, okay?" He swayed me towards the front, where a lone boy was sitting on the stage. It was Jack's friend Daniel, a kick-ass guitar player whose girlfriend didn't show up that night. Jack slowly let go of me, and I offered my hand to Daniel. He shook his head. I left my hand there, and when I realized he wasn't going to take it, I ran across the floor to Kellen, where she was trying to teach our friend Sage the basics of slow dancing. I grabbed Kellen, dragged her to Daniel, and in time, they were dancing together. I smiled lightly at Kellen and mouthed "Thanks!"

Jack was leaning against a podium on the stage. I walked over and leaned next to him. "You're a nice guy, you know?" I giggled.

He shook his head and blushed lightly. "Nuuu!" he said in his baby voice.

The middle scholars left after that, and the dance went on. Everyone was leaving, chaperons as well. But, realizing my feelings for Jack, I didn't want to leave. It was only 11, and parents weren't due until twelve. Kellen left with her boyfriend Julien, and Jack and I stayed in the lobby, leaning on each other and talking. Jack, still in middle school, kept yawing and leaning on my shoulder. I smiled and told the butterflied in my stomach to settle down, that it was just Jack, my little brother. But even as I said that, I knew deep down that I felt like being more than a big sister to him...

For this past month, I've been trying to get closer to Jack, texting him more and getting a lot more physical. ANd in the past two days, my heart has been fluttering but breaking like crazy...

Out of curiosity, I asked all my guy friends at school what my "Date-a-bility" was - basically, to rate my attractiveness on a scale of one to ten. I received a 7, a 4, and a 3.5. When it came to asking Jack, he said, "Ten...times ten."

I punched his shoulder playfully. "No, really!!!

Jack smiled. "Really? Ten...times ten!" Heart fluttering moment...

...but today was sort of a let down. Since it was the last day of classes before Christmas break, a movie was screened in the gym. Jack was sitting on a plastic chair, and I was sitting in front of him on the floor, leaning on his legs. A girl was standing behind Jack, continuously poking his back and annoying him. Jack complained and flipped up his hood. Tiffany saw me sitting there and said, "Are you Jack's sister?"

"No," I said.
"Yes...YES!" Jack said.

I found this as an extremely sweet gesture, because it proved just how close me and Jack had gotten. But still, it was disappointing to know that he only thought of me as a "sister," not of someone he could really...LOVE.

Maybe I'm looking into it too deeply, and maybe I shouldn't be. But honestly, there's something different with Jack. With Nick and John, we weren't really friends first. We KNEW each other, but there was a lot they didn't know about me. With Jack, we're close already, and our relationship continues to grow. He's sweet and charming, even though he's still young. He'd be willing to die for like, as would I for him. And with Jack...I KNOW he won't use me. He wouldn't lie, and he's treat me with respect. He'd spoil me rotten...no matter how many times I'd tell him not to.

That's the difference with THEM and JACK. With THEM, I thought. With Jack...I know. <3

END 1225 AM

BIRTHDAY TOMORROW!